Courageous Leader BLUEprint™ – 10th edition
Welcome back leaders!
This is the tenth edition of our Courageous Leader BLUEprint™ newsletter.
Every three weeks, you’ll get quick, thoughtful leadership insights without the fluff.
Read time: less than 10 minutes
This edition will focus on the concept of empathy.
Empathy is the courage to understand experiences that are not your own.
And that courage isn’t soft. It’s strength.
But wait – isn’t this newsletter supposed to give insights without fluff?
Exactly.
Being empathetic as a leader isn’t fluff. Being empathetic demonstrates tremendous strength.
Empathy is often colloquially defined as “walking in someone else’s shoes.”
The idea is to try to understand the feelings and experiences of others (not physically walk in their shoes).
A key word here is understand, which is why we include empathy in our Courageous Leader BLUEprint™ in the Understand component.
Understanding with empathy is a sign of courage and strength because sometimes, the feelings and experiences of others can be difficult for us to process and respond to as leaders.
When I first entered the workforce, there was an unwritten rule that personal emotions did not belong in the workplace.
I don’t mean to fault leaders who have/had that perspective, but the reality is that we ALL experience emotions at work.
Sometimes those emotions are positive:
We are excited to learn a new skill
We are happy to make an important sale
We feel valued when we receive meaningful recognition from our leader
Sometimes those emotions are not as positive:
We are frustrated when we struggle to learn a new skill
We are discouraged when can’t seem to get enough prospects into our pipeline
We feel unappreciated when our leader fails to recognize our important contributions
Think about it - in the past week, have you experienced any of these common emotions at work?
Pride
Satisfaction
Joy
Anger
Frustration
Disappointment
Stress
Anxiety
Recognizing that emotions can provide data to leaders helps them respond with empathy instead of reaction.
In fact, emotions in the workplace should be considered a good thing because our brains use emotions during logical reasoning.
The famous story of Phineas Gage gives us insights into how a loss of the ability to experience emotions (through brain damage in his case) led to decreased decision-making abilities.
The research shows that emotions are necessary for us to function at our best and make sound, logical decisions.
The challenge for leaders is to embrace this reality and try to empathize with those we lead.
Let’s dive into some practical tips to build empathy, but before we do, a timeless quote by Maya Angelou:
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
*For more on Phineas Gage, check out the book “Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain” by Anónio Damásio.
Tip #1: Ask better questions
Sometimes it can feel easier for us to lead by giving directions.
And there are plenty of circumstances where leaders need to give directions.
There are also plenty of circumstances where we can develop empathy while investing in our relationship with employees simply by asking better questions.
Here are some general suggestions and example questions:
Do your best not to assume what someone’s answers or rationale will be
Acknowledge the natural human tendency to judge, and remain intentionally curious
Resist the temptation to fill the silence as people think of their answer
Listen without interrupting
“Help me understand what led to that decision”
“Could you walk me through your thought process?”
Tip #2: Listen for the information AND the emotion
When people speak, they will give you more information than the words they say, often subconsciously.
Pay attention to what is being said – this is not always easy!
Also, pay attention to what is not being said by listening for tone, and by watching body language.
This takes practice, but as you begin to pay attention more and more you will be able to pick up on subtleties that can reveal underlying emotions.
For example, one common emotion leaders encounter is frustration.
In Paul Eckman’s book, “Emotions Revealed,” Eckman explains that frustration is often due to believing you’re being blocked from achieving a goal.
According to Eckman, some of the subtleties you might see include narrowed lips, glaring eyes, and/or drawn-together eyebrows.
Sometimes, simply acknowledging that someone is experiencing frustration can help the situation.
From a non-judgmental perspective and with an understanding tone, I have seen great success with this phrase:
“That seems really frustrating”
This statement shows you aren’t judging and it validates that it is OK for them to be frustrated.
Remember, it is always OK for people to experience an emotion.
This doesn’t mean that associated behavior is always OK.
However, one thing I learned in my years as a crisis intervention team leader was that people are more likely to be receptive if they feel validated.
Deal with the emotion, then address the behavior
Tip #3: Paraphrase
Paraphrasing is essentially an expression of understanding.
It involves repeating what you hear in your own words – not simply repeating their words.
Try this formula:
“If I heard you correctly, it seems like ____”
When you say, “it seems like,” this reduces resistance because it implies you are trying to understand without judging.
When you paraphrase, it gives the other person an opportunity to:
Confirm that you understood
Clarify their message
Correct you
In any case, the effort to understand will go a long way.
Pro tip: never use the phrase “I understand.”
Even if you believe you’ve been in the exact same position as the person you’re talking to, the statement “I understand” can backfire on you.
You likely have different life experiences, and you likely experienced it differently to an extent.
Tip #4: Spend some time in their world
One of the things I hear frontline workers and frontline supervisors complain about is the fact that middle management and senior leaders don’t understand what the frontline experiences on a day-to-day basis.
This complaint is often valid because in many cases, middle management and senior leaders do not spend time in the frontline world.
Some believe that this would be seen as micromanagement or trying to catch people doing things wrong.
The reality is that people have a need to feel seen, heard, and valued.
Spending a little time interacting with the frontline in their world can go a long way to helping you build social capital.
And, you may see some challenges you were otherwise unaware of.
The key is to make sure people understand the purpose is NOT to monitor or micromanage.
A word of caution:
If there is low trust in your organization, it will take time to build that trust back.
Empathy grows when you experience what others experience.
Tip #5: Share vulnerability, if appropriate
Sometimes, people may be struggling with a project or learning a new skill that you also struggled to master.
It can go a long way to let people know “hey, I once struggled with this, too.”
This may be an opportunity to coach someone up, train them, or understand what resources are needed.
Tip #6: Use empathy in decision-making
Empathy may or may not ultimately influence your decision because we know as leaders, sometimes we have to make tough decisions that we know will impact others.
At the same time, internal reflection from an empathetic perspective can still be very valuable in how you consider decisions and communicate implementation.
Ask yourself:
“Who does this affect most?”
“How will it feel from their side?”
“What is the best way for me to communicate this to people?”
Tip #7: Check in on people
This is not about monitoring people. Yes, monitoring is also part of a leader’s job because you are still responsible for ensuring the work gets done.
Checking in on people is about showing people you’re available and you care.
You can ask questions like “how is everything?” or “how are you doing?”
Be prepared for the answer to be short. “I’m good,” or “Everything is fine.”
The temptation for many people would be to leave it at that.
If you have a good rapport with the person, a follow up question may be the best course of action.
If you are still building rapport, or are unsure, my suggestion is to leave it at that. And then follow up.
Over time, hopefully, they will see that you are making a genuine effort to connect.
Empathy is an essential skill for courageous leaders
Employees in the modern workforce are becoming less and less tolerant of leaders lacking in empathy.
Empathy takes courage. The courage to slow down, listen without judgment, and see people for who they are, not just what they do.
While we could go on and on about empathy, we’ll leave you with some final thoughts:
You must genuinely care about your employees (even if they can be difficult)
Empathy must be authentic – people can spot a fake a mile away
Withhold judgement – people will become closed off or defensive if they feel judged
Empathy is a skill that can take time to develop – give yourself some grace